I have a couple of things about myself I want to post-essentially for me, but all are welcome to analyze either their own lives or mine. This is going to be a mini series of sorts.
As time slips through my fingers I chance to look at myself occasionally and notice that I'm changing right along with my children. Sometimes I like the changes I see and sometimes I don't.
Growing up I got good grades and was in the advanced classes so I always considered myself smart. Not the smartest, but smart nonetheless.
In college I was a "direct admit" into my college instead of waiting until my sophomore year to be admitted (the individual colleges had to accept you from the pool of incoming students to the university). I was in the honors program and graduated cum laude. Again, I knew I wasn't the smartest one there but I could hold my own certainly.
Then out of college I was recruited by a top company who, in the course of my employment with them, told us we were the best in the field. I believed them. Who wouldn't?
I have always felt smarter than the average person, including Tim-namely due to grades in school. However, I've been out of school for long enough (ugh!) that I think grades don't count anymore. Plus I've met a lot of people that I have no idea about how they did in school so I have begun to re-evaluate how I "rate" people's smartness.
It's really turned my world upside down to re-evaluate something I thought I already knew. Try it sometime.
It turns out, while never consciously thinking about it, I have always classified people as either smart or not smart and then within 'smart' I have various levels I categorize people. (It sounds kind of horrible, I know!) I have a few people I know well and then group other people with them that are like them. Examples:
Tim-smart but didn't do well in school because he didn't care to try
L (good friend from HS)-super smart, did great in school, but not a lot of common sense
Me-smart, did well in school, good common sense
Now when I think of these same people I think totally differently:
Tim-really smart and can figure anything out
L-super smart with expertise in her field
Me-smart, but finding my knowledge base is very small
Somehow I'm seeing the world through different eyes. Due to motherhood? Age? Exposure to different world views? Caring more? Caring less? Branching into areas where I have little
to no knowledge? I'm not sure but it's unsettling.
A couple weeks ago when I told Tim that I had come to the conclusion that he was smarter than me it threw him for a loop. (Have I always acted superior to him because I thought I was smarter? I fear I have! Not good for a wife to do and I'm changing that.)
Tim tried to tell me he's not necessarily smarter, he's just a "thinker." I laughed and said, "Yes, but what does that make me, a 'non-thinker'?"
It turns out Tim classified people entirely different than me: either smart or not. All the smart people are the same to him. While I find that odd, maybe it's better since it puts him on a level playing field with them. I realize this is all in my mind but it does play into my attitude towards people. I'm guessing that's partially why I have trouble keeping friends-no one likes a superior attitude, even a hint of one.
So I've eaten a piece of humble pie and am trying to not have a hierarchy in my mind of people-that just can't be good.
I'm not upset about my revelation, I just find it interesting that my view of myself is changing rather drastically at this stage of the game of my life.
I also believe God is showing me where my attitude has been wrong and my heart hard so he can begin to work in those areas. Which is both exciting and scary.